Der Stab der Wahrheit
by Professors of Chaos
Summary: In the warring lands of Zaron and Larion, tales of a new kid, the Dragonborn, have spread throughout the lands. With the Stick of Truth stolen and the two sides fighting at all times, no one notices the true darkness within. Will this new kid fulfill his destiny, or will the strings of fate get tangled up in the mists of war? (Rated T for swearing) Slight Creek and Kenny/Douchebag.
1. Welcome to Kupa Keep

His form trembled in fright as he watched as the figures got closer. His eyelids grew heavier with every second as he watched the shadows loom over him. A warm cloth covered his mouth, releasing a rancid stench and smothering his screams. As the boy fell into unconsciousness, a soothing voice broke the silence of the shadows,"I'm sorry, son, but I assure you, this is for your own good. Just fall asleep and everything will be alright. Don't worry son, you'll awaken soon...".

* * *

><p><em>Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their king to save them; a noble king, known only as the Grand Wizard.<em>

_For a thousand years, the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the wizard king is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks._

_They seek the humans most sacred relic-  
>The Stick of Truth.<em>

_But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a "new kid" spread throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid before the evil Drow Elves can manipulate his mind and use him to take the sacred relic from human hands._

_For whomever controls the stick,  
>controls the universe.<em>

* * *

><p>It was a calm morning in the small, rustic town of South Park, Colorado. It's lake shimmered in the light of the awakening sun, the birds out and ready for a bug filled breakfast. The neighborhood, still asleep, with nothing stirring inside, except two kids who sparred on the streets, both in middle aged costumes. Blood was spilled, the concrete and snow sharing the battle scars of the children. One, a paladin, the other, an elf. Armed with only a hammer and a pathetic sword put together by planks of wood and string. As their battle cries yelled throughout the morning, another being began to stir, in the red house not yonder from the war site.<p>

There a boy began to awaken, his eyes being rubbed by his tired hands. It was there he got up and looked around his newly arranged room. He stared at it slightly, confused. _What the-? How did I get here? _The kid grew tense and thought for the worst, but calmed when he heard his parents' voices mumbling from the room below. He slowly walked to his closet, sleep continuing to take hold of his body. The nine year old yawned as he grabbed his teal and grey argyle sweater off the hanger and pulled it on. He was about to open the shades a little more when his parents barged in. The boy made eye contact with them, fear suddenly sparking its way through his whole body, as pictures and voices flashed quickly through his mind.

"Hey, champ! How do you like your new room?" his dad asked, beaming a fake smile. The boy stared up at him, trembling the slightest, fear keeping his mouth shut. "Uh, I know this is a big, no, huge change for all of us, but do you remember why we moved to this quiet mountain town?" The kid directed his eyes to the ground as he realized that he couldn't recall a thing past waking up this morning. A ball of worry grew in the pit of his stomach as he looked at his parents once again, who were whispering to each other.

"He doesn't remember!"

"He doesn't remember at all!"

"That's good! That's good he doesn't remember!" The two adults turned around to see their son looking at them, confusion spread across his face.

"Uh, sweetie? We want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?" his mother offered, gesturing outside.

"Right! Right, go out side and play son, like normal kids," the man peeped in.

"Just get back before it gets too dark, sweetie," the woman warned, teasingly. The parents looked at their son expectantly, hoping that he would answer. They stared at each other for a couple seconds before the man groaned in annoyance.

"Yea! We love you, too!" he then stomped out of the room, frustration of his son peaking to a new level. His wife followed after him, waving a goodbye to her son before leaving him to his room. The boy sighed and walked out of his room, wanting everything to go back to normal, if there ever was one. As the new arrival to the town left his house for the outside world, his parents began bickering in the kitchen.

"Make friends? Make friends?! Nichole! That's exactly what got us into this situation! Have you forgotten already as well?!" the father yelled at his spouse, his face red.

"Well, what did you expect me to do, Michael?! We can't just keep him locked up in here! People will get suspicious! Either way, we have a chance of getting found out! Besides, not a lot of kids live in our neighborhood. Let him make a few, keeps him happy while we look for a better spot to hide out," the wife tried to reason.

"Whatever..." the husband grumbled and left for the living room to unpack more boxes.

* * *

><p>Outside, the boy made his way down the driveway, shivering from the cold air. As he crunched his way through the snow, he noticed the two kids in the costumes, still sparring with each other.<p>

"You're no match for my war hammer, Drow Elf! I banish thee to the forest realm!" a blonde-tufted boy yelled at his opponent.

"Nu-uh! You can't do that! I banished you first!" the elf yelled back, striking his enemy with his sword. "You're not going to last any longer, Paladin! Say your last prayers."

"Ahh! Somebody help me! I can't hang on anymore! HELP!" the boy with the hammer wailed, cowering in fear as the elf was about to deliver his final strike. The blonde-tufted kid waited for the worst, but it never came. He looked up to see the new kid standing over the elf, his hands out.

"Hey! You can't do that! That's cheating! I'm gonna tell my mom!" the elf complained, and with that, he ran down the sidewalk, away from the battle scene.

"Thanks, kid! I didn't realize he had another health potion! Uh, my name is Butters the Merciful! I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you! We should be friends!" Butters introduced himself, smiling kindly at the new kid. He then pulled out his phone and added the new kid as a friend on his Facebook. "There! Now we can be buddies in reality and virtuality! Neato, huh? Now that we're friends, I should take you to the wizard king! He's been talking about your arrrival." Butters then walked towards a bright green house, beckoning the black haired kid to follow. After a minute or two, the pair arrived at the kingdom of Kupa Keep, otherwise known as the green house to the right. The paladin knocked on the door and gave an assuring smile towards the boy next to him. The door opened to show a kid in a wizard costume, sporting the colors of light blue, magenta, and midnight, with a small, smiley faced star patched onto his wizard hat. "All hail the Grand Wizard!" the paladin yelled to no one in particular, his hands raised in praise.

"So, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by a Coldwell Banker. I am the wizard king, but the time for talk is not nye. Let me show you my kingdom," the wizard allowed the two boys inside, guiding them through the house into the backyard. As the black haired kid stepped foot on the outside porch, the wizard yelled out, "Welcome to the kingdom of Kupa Keep!" The backyard known as Kupa Keep was arranged to look like a middle aged kingdom. In it was an armory, filled with shields and weapons consisting of broken signs and wooden swords, stables, filled with the noblest of all beasts, a cat, and finally, the castle itself. A cardboard building, with ladders and a tent in the middle. Standing near it was a maiden of the upmost beauty. Her golden locks shined in the growing sunlight, her blue eyes as beautiful as the sky above her.

The new kid stared at her for a while, before being brought back to reality by the Grand Wizard,"Our weaponry is manned by Clyde, a level fourteen warrior. Here you can see our massive stables, overseen by the level nine ranger, Scott Malkinson who has the powers of diabetes." The group of three finally coursed its way to the castle of cardboard and to the fair maiden. "'And here of course is the breathtaking and lovely, Princess Kenny, the fairest maiden in all the kingdom." The new kid could barely hear the wizard king's directed whispers as he made eye contact with the beautiful princess. They stared at each other for a few seconds, blushing furiously, before the princess turned away, bashful. "Just one more thing before I leave you to exploring the kingdom new kid, what is your name?"

At the mention of that, everyone's eyes stared at the black haired boy, as they waited expectantly for his answer. After a few seconds of silence, the Grand Wizard whispered to Butters, who then laughed out loud, before muffling them when the fat king shushed him. The wizard then composed himself before he asked another question,"Did you say your name was Douchebag?" The new kid blushed in embarrassment as small laughter erupted through the clearing. The boy wanted to disprove this statement, but he couldn't come up with an answer to counter attack the king's. _I should know this! My name- Ugh! What is it?! _"Douchebag, it is! Now, Douchebag, if you had come when our kingdom of Kupa Keep was still in its infancy, I might've let you pick your own class out of the four, Fighter, Mage, Thief, and Jew, but because it is now and not in the long long ago, I won't let you. Don't think it's because I don't like you, Douchebag, but there are too many of the class fighter and mage, and I will NOT let anybody become a Jew because Jews are motherfucking liars that should go and burn in hell! So because of that *cough* I'm forcing you to pick thief."

At the mention of the new kid's final class, Butters ran behind the castle, coming back with a dark blue hood and clothing in hand. "Here you go, Douchebag, your thief clothes. Go change really quick and then the real fun can begin!" The new kid, face still red from embarrassment, ran inside to go get changed. As he was about to open the back door and head outside, the Grand Wizard's mother came up to him.

"Hello, dear. You have a Facebook, right? Well, since your friends with my little Eric, I hope you'll tell me if he's hurt or if he's doing the hurting. Okay?" Ms. Cartman asked, adding the kid as her friend. With that, she wakjed back to the living room, as the new kid opened the back door and entered the clearing once again.

* * *

><p><strong>Title is in German. It means The Stick of Truth. Didn't want to say just The Stick of Truth. Hope you enjoyed so far.<strong>


	2. Thieving Thieves

**Douchebag's POV**

* * *

><p>I stepped foot once again into the realm of Zaron, now donning a dark blue hood and a paler blue jacket underneath. As I talked with Scott Malkinson, asking about the breed of his beautiful steed, Mr. Kitty, the Grand Wizard called me over with the armory handler, Clyde I think his name was.<p>

"Clyde! Have you procured Douchebag's weapon?" the king asked.

"Yea. Here kid," the warrior handed me a wooden sword, labeled as the Rogue's Dagger. I nodded in reply, giving a weak smile.

"Now that you have obtained your weapon, it is time to learn how to fight. Without this knowledge, you are pretty much screwed, so you better not suck at it. Now, I want you to take your weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight, beat up Clyde," the wizard gestured to the shocked warrior.

"What?!"

"Kick Clyde's ass, new kid!"

"What?! What I'd do?!"

"I'm the king, Clyde, and the king wants to be amused! Go on new kid, kick his ass," Cartman moved out of the way. I gulped as I watched the warrior glare at me from across the clearing. His wooden sword, bigger and sharper than mines, not helping with my anxiety of the situation.

"I'm gonna kick your ass, Douchebag," Clyde growled.

"You have to wait your turn, Clyde! Just like in the middle ages! I know it's lame, but that's how we're fucking doing it," the grand wizard scolded. "Alright Douchebag, bash Clyde's face in, don't be shy."

I took a deep breath, knowing everyone was waiting on me to do something, so I ran with my dagger. I don't know what happened next, I had my eyes closed most of the time.

"Woah, Douchebag! That was- Ha ha! Clyde! You got pwned! Great work, new kid! At least we have one good fighter on our side," the king exclaimed, muttering the last part to himself. "Now Douchebag, you have proved yourself to be able to keep up in our kingdom. Come inside the tent and you can witness the human's most precious relic," the Grand Wizard then disappeared inside the tent. As I walked up to the tent, I felt a pat on my back. I turned to see Butters beaming with the most genuine smile I've seen in a long time.

"Good job, Douchebag! It's a pleasure to work with you!" with that, the paladin left to tend to Clyde's injuries. With growing curiosity, I entered the tent. Inside were multiple items, boxes, and trash, but in the middle was a faux marble stand, a red velvet pillow, and on top was a stick, oak brown, branched out at the ends. I stared at the stick in shock for a little. _This is what everyone's fighting about? It's just a stick. What's so important about it?_

"Well, here it is. The reason humans and elves are locked in a never ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die, the Stick of Truth. Just two days ago, we took the stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives, for whomever controls the stick, controls the universe. Don't gaze at it too long!" Cartman looked away, using one of his hands to block my sight from the remains of a tree. "For it's powers are too strong for mere mortals to look at! Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs $9.95 for the first week, $4 is which tax deductible. Ne-"

"ALARM ALARM ALARM!" frantic yelling came from outside.

"Someone has sounded the alarm!" the Grand Wizard exclaimed, worry growing stronger in his voice with each second.

"ALARM ALARM ALARM!" Butters barged into the war tent, terrified.

"What is it?!"

"The Elves are attacking!" the paladin pointed to the gate.

"Oh my God! Defensive positions!" Cartman ran out of the tent, directing his soldiers,"Man the gate! Don't let them through!"

"Give us the stick humans!" an elf yelled across the gate.

"Fuck you, Drow Elf!" the king yelled back,"Come and get it! Clyde! Guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!"

"Aye aye!" Clyde made his way into the war tent, receiving an annoyed,"We're not playing pirates, Clyde!" from the wizard.

"Douchebag! This is your chance to prove yourself! Hold off those asshole elves at all costs!" the Grand Wizard yelled at me, as the gates broke through, revealing a legion of elves. I grabbed my dagger and joined the fray. Everywhere, yells were heard and blood was spilled, leaving a red tint in the lush green grass of the kingdom. I slashed at the opponent, but not without receiving some nice wounds myself. As I was battling an elf with a club, the retreat signal was given by the forest dwellers. As the elves ran out, the main leader caught my eye and gasped slightly, before running off with the others.

"Yea! Take that you asshole elves! Na na na na na na! We still control the universe! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Cartman boasted, doing a little victory jig.

"It's gone," a nasally voice interrupted the victory.

"What?"

"The Stick of Truth, the elves got it," Clyde explained. I watched as everyone cringed, expecting the big explosion the king would deliver, and deliver it did.

"THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMN JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!" the wizard paused and sighed,"Clyde... you are here by BANISHED from time and space!"

"What?! No! You can't do that!" Clyde complained.

"Yeah I can! You're now lost in time and space!" Cartman retorted, Butters offering a "Yea! Go home, Clyde!" to help. Clyde left, pissed off. "Douchebag, you fought bravely today and have proved yourself a worthy member of my kingdom, but even with all of us here, it's not enough to steal the Stick of Truth back. We don't have our greatest warriors here with us, Tweek, Token, and Craig, who still haven't reported for duty. Douchebag, I want you to go out and find my three greatest warriors. I'm texting their pictures to your inventory device now, but beware, the lands outside are filled with Drow Elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Be sure you're well equipped. Now go! Butters can help you in your quest."

With that, I left with Butters for the outside world, not knowing of the plan the Drow Elves planned to dispute.

* * *

><p>In the Elven kingdom, the High Jew Elf paced back and forth in front of his throne, awaiting his warriors' return, hopefully with the stick.<p>

"Don't worry, Kyle. I'm sure they won. I've heard that Craig, Tweek, and Token weren't there yet. It would've been an easy fight," a knight with a stone sword and red tufted helmet reassured his best friend.

"I sure hope so, Stan," a kid with a red robe with golden patterns muttered. Not too long after, the entrance to the forest was bombarded by shouts of victory and joy. "They're back!" Kyle yelled in delight. He seated himself in his throne and awaited his troop's report. The group of seven soldiers ordered themselves in front of the throne. The main leader stepped forward, a smile shining on his face.

"My lord, the battle was very successful. We obtained the stick!" he yelled out, thrusting the stick into the air. Cheers and whoops were heard throughout the clearing. The main man's face then fell.

"What is wrong, Jacob? We won! Why so solemn?" Stan asked, confused.

"They got him, the new kid. Cartman took a hold of him. We were too late..." The celebration had quieted itself down.

"It's never too late, my faithful companions. We just have to steer him on the right path. Do you know where they are heading next?" the High Jew Elf asked his warriors.

"I heard they were going to find Tweek, Craig, and Token!" a voice ringed out from the crowd.

"But someone's going with the new kid! Butters the Paladin!" another yelled out.

"Take out Butters when the new kid's not looking, then capture him. The prophecy must fulfilled for the elves, not the humans. Four of you should do the trick. Once you've captured him, take him to the Giggling Donkey, to the Bard. Hopefully his songs will change the new kid's mind..."

* * *

><p><strong>My attempt at a good cliffhanger ^^'. Hope you enjoyed! Please R &amp; R!<strong>


	3. Facebookiteers

**Butters' POV**

* * *

><p>We walked out of our beautiful kingdom of Kupa Keep, Douchebag and me. I pulled out a map from my pocket, unfolding it. "Okay, Douchebag. Uh, who do you want to go find first? Token, Tweek, or Craig?" I asked, looking at the hooded kid. He looked at the map and shrugged. "Alrighty! We'll pick the closest destination I guess! Craig's house is this way!" I decided, leading the way. Douchebag trailed closely behind me, taking in his surroundings. "How do you like Colorado?" I asked casually. Nothing. I turned around to see the new kid stare at me, a thumbs up raised. A small smile was plastered on his face as we continued on our quest.<p>

I liked the new kid, silent and understanding. He was really the only one out of the kingdom who listened to my absurd stories. It's really nice to get that stuff off your chest sometimes. We were about to enter Craig's neighborhood when a snowman we were about to walk past started rumbling. And in a matter of seconds, four Drow Elves jumped out of the assorted pile, destroying it. I jumped, startled at the sudden enemy. I was about to grab Douchebag's hand and run when one of the elves snuck up behind me and struck me in the neck, hitting a pressure point. I collapsed to the ground, stunned. Blood trickled slightly from my mouth, leaving a coppery taste on my tongue.

I heard a muffled scream from behind me, causing me to turn around. I watched as three of the Drow Elves dragged Douchebag away, their hands over his eyes and mouth. The remaining elf kicked me. I fell onto the concrete, hard. My mind buzzed, blurring my vision and deafening my hearing. "Pathetic, really, paladin. I thought you would at least put up a fight. Ha! And don't even try looking for your new friend! You'll never find him! Ta ta!" the remaining elf sneered before running off to join the others. I lay there, my sides hurting, blood trickling from my mouth. I took a deep breath and tried to at least sit myself up. After a couple of failed attempts, I pulled myself up, gasping in pain. I grabbed some Cheesy Poofs from my belt and ate them, my wounds slowly healing. The pain was still there, but it was better than before.

I slowly got up, careful not to hit any major sweet spots of pain. I groaned and started to make my way to Kupa Keep as quickly as I could. I saw the Grand Wizard come out and made a faint yell, growing weaker as the blood loss slowly dealt me pain. He spotted me and ran towards me. "Butters?! Wheres Douchebag?!" he asked frantically.

"Drow Elves... Ambush.. Gone.." I muttered, before falling into the king, unconscious.

* * *

><p>"Butters? Butters!" frantic voices yelled around me. I woke up to the smell of tacos. "Thanks for the revive potion my faithful ranger," the Grand Wizard thanked Scott.<p>

"No problem, Grand Wizard. It's taco night over at my place anyway," he explained, his lisp messing with his speech.

"Now Butters, what the hell happened out there?!" Cartman yelled frantically at me.

"Well, uh you see, we were just walking towards Craig's house, since you know, it was the closest, and there was this snowman, and then elves and then I fell to the ground. I heard Douchebag scream as they dragged him away-"

"To where, Butters?!" the Grand Wizard interrupted.

"I-I don't know, Eric! The elf who kicked me down to the ground told me we'll never find him!" the paladin exclaimed.

"Those sons of a bitch..." Cartman muttered,"Wait! Butters, Douchebag had his inventory device right?"

"Yea, why?"

"We can find out where those asshole elves are that way!" the Grand Wizard resolved, beaming determinedly.

* * *

><p>He felt the hand raise off his face, finally revealing his surroundings. He tried getting up but found himself bound in ropes. Douchebag watched as the elf who dragged him down here started to leave. "Don't worry, new kid. You won't be down here for long, as long as you listen to what the High Jew Elf has to say," he warned, opening and closing the basement door. The black haired thief struggled in his ropes, trying to get out.<p>

"Don't try, those are made of enchanted strands of reeds from Stark's Pond," a high pitched voice came from the darkness. The figure then stepped out of the shadows, revealing himself. The High Jew Elf stood in front of the new kid, his golden entrails on his robe glimmering from the faint lantern he held in his hand. "New kid, I'm here to warn you that you've chosen the wrong side. Grand Wizard Fatass is only using you for your powers! Once he has the stick for good, he'll betray all of you! I know this because I've known the prick since pre-school. Join the right side and I'll let you go, but I'll have to put you under severe probation. Don't let your powers go to waste new kid. However, if you choose to struggle against me and my forces, I might have to go through some drastic actions..."

Just then, Douchebag's inventory device started vibrating in one of his thief belt pockets. The High Jew Elf smirked,"Seems like they plan to rescue you. Too bad that either way you choose, you will serve me before they can get to you. I'm not gonna let that fatass win this time. Not again..." The robed kid took the inventory device from the pocket and flicked it on. "Speak of the devil..."

**FACEBOOK**

**GRAND WIZARD: **WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU KEEPING DOUCHEBAG YOU GOD DAMNED ELVES?! ESPECIALLY YOU KYLE! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THIS TOO!

**DOUCHEBAG: **Why hello, Grand Wizard Fatass. You're right, I do have your little friend with me. Just one question, why should I tell you the location as  
>to where I am currently? I don't need any human scum here to ruin my plans.<p>

**GRAND WIZARD: **YOU MOTHERFUCKER! HE'S MINE KAHL! I GOT TO HIM FIRST!

**DOUCHEBAG: **True, but counterpoint: I have the Stick of Truth which controls the universe, and it seems that you don't.

**BUTTERS****: **Please tell us where he is, High Jew Elf. I just want my friend back. You're making Princess Kenny worried.

**DOUCHEBAG: **You won't want him back after this...

Kyle chuckled slightly as he clicked the device off, putting it on a table near him. "Now, who do you choose new kid? The manipulative humans, or the truthful elves?" Douchebag stared at the elf king, a plan starting to form in his mind. He gestured with his head towards Kyle, signaling his loyalty to the elves. The elf's eyes lit up at this notion,"Smart choice, new kid. I'm glad to see you've come to your senses." Kyle went behind Douchebag and started to untie him. With all the ropes off, the thief immediately grasped for his rogue's dagger. The High Jew Elf reached out his hand, the new kid grabbing it. As the robed kid brought Douchebag to his feet, the thief, with dagger in hand, slashed Kyle in the back.

Kyle gasped at the immediate pain, shocked. The new kid brought the elf to the floor, tying him up in the same ropes he had been trapped in mere seconds before. He wrapped a cloth over his opponent's mouth, muffling his shouts of protests. Douchebag then picked up his inventory device, ignoring all of the Grand Wizard's posts of anger. He pushed the device back into his pocket and ran out of the basement he was contained in. The thief opened the door to see a room filled with mini tables and multiple groups of people. No one had seemed to notice his sudden appearance except the barman in front, who glared at him, his hands working on washing a cup.

Douchebag quickly made his way to the front of the tavern, trying not to draw any attention to himself. As he opened the front door, the bartender pushed a button under the table, signaling an alarm. The thief opened the door and noticed a little sign with the name, Giggling Donkey, before he was pulled back in. He turned around to see the tapper staring at him. "I'm afraid you'll have to come with me, sir," he explained, pulling Douchebag upstairs. As they reached the second level of the tavern, a door swung open to reveal a kid with a Peter Pan-like hat and crutches.

"Thank you, Jackson," the kid thanked the bartender, who in turn nodded in reply and went back down the stairs. The cripple then directed his attention to the once again captured human. "Why hello new k-kid. I've been expecting your arriva-arrival. Just in this room with me pl-please," he beckoned inside. The thief reluctantly obeyed and entered the bedroom, quietly taking out his inventory device. He turned it on and slowly typed in the name he had seen earlier. "I see the High Jew E-Elf has had some troubles convi-convincing you to the right s-side. Don't worry, however, I can show you the way through my beautiful bardic music!" Douchebag sent the message with the name, making the device beep loudly. The Bard took notice to this and grabbed the device from the thief's hands. He looked at the recent text message revealing the name of his captor's prison. The cripple glared at the new kid,"God damn it..."

* * *

><p>The Grand Wizard paced in his war tent, unable to think of any course of action. "The Elves have gone too far this time! Kidnapping one of our greatest men and trying to turn him onto their side?!" As the king started to lose hope, his phone buzzed as another message was sent to him. He jumped up in excitement and shock and immediately checked his Facebook. He beamed at the sight of it.<p>

I was talking quietly with Princess Kenny, both devastated by the sudden loss of our newest addition. The maiden more depressed than me however, given the fact that I think she liked him. It would be impossible for them however if he was an elf. I just hope that our friendship that we made in that one hour prevails. Just then, the Grand Wizard ran out of the war tent holding his phone out towards the sky. Everyone stared at the ecstatic king.

"CONTACT TOKEN, TWEEK, AND CRAIG! WE'RE RAIDING THE GIGGLING DONKEY!" he yelled out. I immediately looked at the princess who looked like she was going to cry of happiness right then and there. I smiled at her.

"We're gonna rescue Douchebag and get those sons of biscuits," I whispered to her. She nodded, her eyes watering. I swear I could see her smile from within the parka.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you enjoyed this chapter and this fanfic so far! This is where I start to drift off from the game, story wise. Don't worry though, I will have some scenes that will cooperate with the game as well. Hope I wrote the characters well! Please R &amp; R!<strong>


	4. Douchebag in Distress

**Cartman's POV**

* * *

><p>I stood in front of my warriors, working out a strategy on how to attack the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. I watched as the gate opened and closed, revealing the last of my men, Tweek and Craig. "Where the fuck have you two been?!" I yelled at them from across the clearing. Tweek jumped, startled at the sudden voice.<p>

"Ergh! Sorry! Craig got detention again!" the kid twitched.

"What's going on, Grand Wizard? All you texted us was: Get the fuck over here, you lazy assholes," a kid with an upside down, red Nike headband asked.

"My three greatest warriors, in your absence, we have recruited the new kid, Douchebag, to our kingdom, but unfortunately lost the Stick of Truth... again. But that's not important right now! Douchebag was taken by those asshole elves soon afterward, who probably plan to manipulate him to their side!" I answered, a scowl on my face.

"So what?" a monotonous voice rang out. Everyone turned around to see Craig, that bland expression of his plastered on his face.

"So what? So what?! Craig, I'm the king and I say that Douchebag will serve me and not that prick, Kahl!" I yelled at him.

"Whatever," he shrugged.

"So what's the plan, Grand Wizard?" Butters called out, trying to get back on topic.

My tone grew serious,"Okay, Princess Kenny, Craig, and I will go from the behind and try to find a back entrance. Token, Tweek, and Butters, you take the front and try to distract the elves while my team tries to find Douchebag. Clear?" A rumble of yes's spread throughout the clearing as everyone agreed to the plan. "Great! Time to go teach those assholes a lesson."

* * *

><p>I directed my group towards the back of the Inn, careful to not draw any attention. We ended ourselves in the backyard and waited for the signal from the other team. After a few seconds, the signal,"HAMMERTIME!" was shrieked out from the other side. A big crash was heard from the front side of the house as the main door was broken open. Craig went and unlocked the back door, allowing us entry inside the Inn. "You guys go ahead and save the new kid. I'm gonna go help the others," the thief explained before running off to the front of the house.<p>

I sneaked around the house with Princess Kenny, making a beeline towards the stairs. As we were heading upstairs, an elf called out,"They're going upstairs! Protect the Bard!"

"Fuck!" I muttered. I looked to the princess, a few steps ahead of me. "Go to him, Princess Kenny. I can handle everything down here," I assured her. She nodded and continued up the stairs. I turned to face the elves swarming around the staircase. "You ready to see some real magic, motherfuckers?" With that, I took a swig of apple cider and let loose. I swear the house swayed for a second. The elves I had hit fell down the stairs, my companions plugged their noses. I smirked, "Still got it."

* * *

><p><strong>Kenny's POV<strong>

* * *

><p>I continued up the stairs, thankful for the Grand Wizard's sacrifice. I climbed the final step, reaching the rooms upstairs. Light filtered from a window above, making the hallway I stood in seem like a safe haven compared to the dark battlefield below. I heard quiet, stutter-filled songs come from the room to my right, reminding me of my mission. Cracking my knuckles, I stared down the door that blocked me from my beloved. And with a battle cry that would make any warrior proud, I kicked down the door, which I assumed was locked. The Bard stood in front of me, his hands grasping his ukelele. Behind him was Douchebag, confusion clouding his eyes.<p>

He looked like he wasn't there, but instead in a trance, his body limp, his mouth slightly hung open. "So nice of you to join us, fair prin-princess. I was just about to sing my last song, would you like to stay for the fina-finale?" the Bard stuttered, drawing my attention back to him. I glared at him, pissed at what he's done to the new kid. "Oh, don't be that way, Princess Ke-Kenny. You would've moved o-off of him after a couple of days." With that, I quickly grabbed my pink bow and shot the Bard, causing him to drop his ukelele. I ran forward and kicked one of his crutches, making it fall underneath him. Jimmy fell with it. With the threat taken care of, I quickly went to the new kid, untying him from his ropes.

I helped him up, but it was more like pulling the strings of a puppet. I pulled him out of the room, but not without a warning from the Bard,"You may have come be-before I comple-compl-completely converted him, fair princess, but he's been here long enough for his heart to sway at any mo-moment." Satisfied, the Bard rested his head on the ground once more, pretending to be dead. I walked Douchebag down the stairs, who was still recovering from the Bard's songs. The room below was a mess. Pieces of furniture were strewn everywhere, elves sprawled out across the ground. The humans had their backs against the wall near the door, a gaping hole letting nice, cool air breeze through. They looked up to see me half-carrying, half-leading the new kid down the stairs. Butters ran over to help me.

"Erck! What's wrong with him?!" Tweek called out, worried beyond belief.

"He's just recovering from the Bard's songs... He should be fine," I explained, my voice muffled by my parka. Butters looked at me, not convinced. His eyes told me to talk with him later. I sighed and slightly nodded at him, agreeing to the gesture. The Grand Wizard brought me and Butters back to reality with his snarky laughter.

"Take that you asshole, elves! You may have the Stick of Truth, but we have the prophecy! See you later, suckahs!" he yelled, opening the remains of the front door, beckoning the rest of through. As we walked back to our kingdom, Douchebag finally escaped from his trance. He shook his head and looked around, confused. Everyone stared at him, slightly worried. After rubbing his eyes, he stared at our worried faces, and gave a gracious smile. I sighed in relief, glad that Douchebag came back as our Douchebag and not some elven monster. I released his hand, knowing he didn't need to be led anymore. But as soon as I let it go, he grasped it again, making me slightly jump in surprise. I stared at his blushing face, my own growing red as well. I squeezed his hand, him reciprocating the gesture. I squealed in delight inside, but my inner happiness was tainted as thoughts of the Bard's warning intruded my mind.

I looked at Douchebag's beaming face as he nodded or waved hello to Token, Tweek, and Craig. I saw Butters also watching the new kid closely, worrisome of Douchebag's state of mind as well. We made eye contact again, his eyes asking if we were still up for the talk. I nodded and looked away, trying to diminish my feelings of paranoia.

* * *

><p>Back at the kingdom, everyone went to their respective spaces. Craig took over Clyde's previous spot at the armory, with the one reason of sounding like Clyde going for him. The Grand Wizard was off with Douchebag in the training grounds teaching him god knows what. I wandered near the wall, smelling a daffodil I had picked up on the way back home. I heard the crunch of dirt and looked up to the see the paladin. "Ya worry about him too, don't you princess?" he asked, a sympathetic smile fixed on his face. I nodded, staring at the daffodil in my hand. The innocent blonde directed me to a log near the corner of the kingdom, offering me to sit down. "What happened up there? What did you see or hear, Princess Kenny?"<p>

I sighed and repeated what the Bard had told me, my eyes watering slightly. My gaze found its way back to Douchebag. "Oh," the paladin whispered. We sat in silence for a while, our minds racing. "Well, even though we've known Douchebag for about three hours, I can tell he's the loyal type. But even he's confused... We have to be strong for him, so he knows for sure that he's on the right side, so he knows that we want him here with us." I continued to stare at my beloved, not saying anything. I felt a hand rest on my back, an attempt to comfort my still form. I watched as Butters began to get up and leave. I grabbed his hand before he left.

"Thanks Butters," I whispered, my eyes showing my gratitude.

"No problem, Princess," with that, the buttery blonde left me to my worries, the daffodil I grasped swaying in the wind.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and review this! I'm really glad you're enjoying this! Hope this chapter was satisfying! <strong>


	5. Backstabbing, For Realsies, But Not Yet

**Craig's POV**

* * *

><p>I watched as the last glimmers of the sun peeked through the branches of trees, signaling the time to get home. Since this morning, the day has been uneventful, boring as ever, just the way I liked it. I looked around the kingdom, Scott Malkinson chewing on a granola bar, Princess Kenny sitting on a log, staring up at the rosy orange sky, the paladin conversing with Token, the new kid practice sparring with the Grand Wizard, and Tweek. His jittery self stared at me from the corner of the kingdom, shivering from either the cold or his tics. I have no idea how that kid can survive in the cold like that with no shirt on.<p>

Our eyes made contact. I heard him shriek slightly and quickly look away, his cheeks red in embarrassment. I just shrugged and thought nothing of it. I stared at my watch, eyeing it closely, 6:30, thirty minutes till the new episode of _Red Racer_ was on. I put down the shield I was polishing and made my way to the king. The Grand Wizard was teaching the new kid some regular thief abilities, like backstabbing and mugging. Rookie stuff. I tapped him on the back, interrupting a lecture he was giving. I watched as his shoulders raised in a collective sigh before he turned around and faced me.

"What is it, Craig?" he asked, impatient.

"Can we go home soon? _Red Racer_'s about to start," I gestured towards the darkening sky.

"Yeah, I promised my mom I would be home by dinner," Token added, getting a group of,"Yea!" and "Me too!" from the other fighters. Douchebag just stood there silently. I don't know what to say about the new kid. He was... different. Like he's hiding something... but by the looks of it, he doesn't even know what he's hiding. I stared at him, trying to read any expressions or feelings he had under that blank stare he wore, but was interrupted by an annoyed groan from Cartman.

"Fine, fine! Go home! Is there anyone who can stay for a little extra while?" the king asked. Douchebag was the only one who raised his hand. Everyone else looked at each other, exchanging glances. Token was the first to move, opening the gate while asking, "7:30 tomorrow, right?". A rumble of yes's answered his question, and satisfied, the Cleric left. Butters, Scott, and Princess Kenny followed suit soon afterwards. I got up and packed up anything I had taken out. As I was opening the gate to leave, I felt a slight tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see the jittery little caffeine addict staring at me.

"Yea?"

"Erck! Uh, nevermind!" Tweek blushed and pushed in front of me, heading the opposite direction of my house, even though we live in the same neighborhood. I shrugged the strange behavior of the Tweak kid off and waved goodbye to the new kid, flipping off Cartman, receiving an annoyed,"Ey!" from the latter. I smirked and started the journey to my house. I enjoyed the cool breeze that ruffled my brown scarf. I took a deep breath of the fresh air, enjoying the nice, boring eve- I cried in shock as something rubbery struck my back. A clatter broke the nice silence of the dawn of the night as the item fell to the sidewalk. I turned around to see a sucker tipped arrow with a note wrapped around it. I picked up the items, stuffing the potential weapon in my belt and opened the note.

**Stark's Pond, now. We need to talk. -Clyde.**

I looked to my watch again, 6:45. I grumbled in frustration as I headed in the direction of the pond. _This better not make me miss _Red Racer_._

* * *

><p>I reached the pond in about five minutes, having to take a few detours. I saw a figure on the bench, staring out into the deep waters of the so-called "pond". "You have five minutes, Clyde. If you make me miss<em> Red<em> _Racer_, I'll be pissed at you forever," I called out to the silhouette.

"I won't be long, Feldspar. Now sit, we have business to attend to," he said out loud, patting a spot next to him on the bench. I walked over to the offered seat, stunned at the use of my fake name. _No one ever calls me, Feldspar. Ever. _I took a seat and looked at my friend. His eyes were hardened, his face red and puffy from crying probably.

"What is it, Clyde?"

"Feldspar, have you ever considered switching sides? Becoming the bad guy, you know?" my friend now looked at me fully, his gaze curious yet demanding.

"You mean switch with the elves? No, I wouldn't benefit there anyway," I shrugged.

"No, Feldspar. I mean, I've just been thinking, how about we start our own little clan? You know, as a way to get at Cartman and the new kid?" he explained, his face growing angry at the mention of Douchebag.

"Well, I don't know, Clyde... I like being a thief and battling the elves. I _like _the humans, you know? I can understand you wanting to get back at Cartman, he's a dick, but Douchebag? How'd he rub you the wrong way?" I asked, curious at his feelings towards the newbie.

"The five minutes are up, Feldspar," Clyde got up and started walking away,"wouldn't want you to miss your precious _Red Racer_. Just think about it, okay?" I watched my friend leave the clearing. I stared at my watch, 6:56. _Oh fuck! _I ran out of the clearing, desperate to get home before my absolute favorite show started. I was so focused on getting home that I didn't notice a certain blonde who sat twitching behind a tree, having overheard the entire conversation.

* * *

><p><strong>Tweek's POV<strong>

* * *

><p>The evening sky slowly made its appearance in the sky, leaving a beautiful array of oranges and pinks above. Ever since the battle at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey, nothing eventful had happened. It was quiet, too quiet. I twitched, my imagination racing wild. <em>Erch! What if the elves plan to kill us while we're sleeping?! Or destroying the kingdom while we're gone?! I bet their planning our demise right now! <em>I twitched, my arms reaching for my messy blonde hair when my eyes caught focus on a certain raven-haired boy. Craig Tucker. My neighbor, the wielder of the middle finger, one of the coolest kids at school. I don't even know how he could friends with such a loser like me.

I shivered as a breeze ran its way through the gates of the kingdom. _Ugh! Cartman! I'm gonna catch hypothermia out here without anything on! _My gaze focused again to show the boy of my fancy staring back at me. I shrieked in surprise and embarrassment and quickly looked away, my cheeks growing warm. I heard the crunch of snow and looked up again to watch as the thief went up to the Grand Wizard to ask when they could go home. I personally could care less, knowing my parents' wouldn't be home till way after I came back anyway. I watched from my corner as everyone added to Craig's complaint. Soon the numbers of the kingdom depleted, as everyone packed up their things and started leaving. Craig and I were the last few, with Cartman and the new kid. Douchebag. I liked him from the start. Even though we haven't really had a decent conversation, given the fact that he didn't talk for some reason, he would always give facial clues and hand gestures and actually listened to some jittery fool like me.

I watched as Craig got up and left his post, heading for the gate. I jumped at the sight and quickly ran to him, wanting to catch his attention before he left. I lightly tapped his shoulder, shy. He turned around and looked surprised to see me behind him. I could barely hear him ask a "Yea?" in response to my tap as I got lost in his dark blue eyes. I finally grew out of my trance when I realized he was waiting for me to answer.

"Erch! Uh, nevermind!" I exclaimed and ran out of the clearing, going to the left. I turned around after a while and watched his blue form slowly making his way back home. He seemed to be enjoying himself when he suddenly jumped up, startled. I watched in curiosity as he picked up something from the ground and took a sharp right, away from our houses. I ran in his direction, wanting to know where he was headed since he was so close to his house, to_ Red Racer_. I turned the corner he had earlier and followed him, close enough to see him, far enough so he wouldn't realize that I was following him. I watched him enter and disappear into Stark's Pond. I sprinted into the bushes that surrounded the lake. I found a tree that I could hide behind, but also allowed me to spy on Craig.

Said fourth grader was beckoned to the bench near the water by Clyde I think it was. I inched closer to listen in on the conversation.

"Feldspar, have you ever considered switching sides? Becoming the bad guy, you know?" Clyde asked the blue hatted boy sitting next to him.

"You mean switch with the elves? No, I wouldn't benefit there anyway," he replied back.

"No, Feldspar. I mean, I've just been thinking, how about we start our own little clan? You know, as a way to get at Cartman and the new kid?" he explained, his face growing angry at the mention of Douchebag. I twitched at the mention of betrayal, fear and anxiety exploding throughout my body.

"Well, I don't know, Clyde... I like being a thief and battling the elves. I _like _the humans, you know? I can understand you wanting to get back at Cartman, he's a dick, but Douchebag? How'd he rub you the wrong way?" Craig asked curious. I watched silently as Clyde was about to say something but changed it at the last minute.

"The five minutes are up, Feldspar," Clyde got up and started walking away,"wouldn't want you to miss your precious _Red Racer_. Just think about it, okay?" I watched as Clyde left the clearing, leaving Craig to check his watch and run out not too long after, muttering about having to get to _Red Racer_ in time. I sat there twitching, the words exchanged at the pond ricocheting around my mind. I got up, muttering to myself,"Oh, man! I got to tell somebody about this! Keeping this to myself is WAY too much pressure!" My shivering form grew stiff however when I felt a sharp object poke at my bare back, a hand covering my mouth.

"You're not going to tell anyone what you saw and heard here tonight, Tweek. If you do so, I will personally come to your house while you're sleeping and get rid of all your coffee and burn down your parents' business. We clear?" a high pitched voice whispered into my ear. I nodded, terrified. "Good, now don't move until after you've counted twenty Mississippi's." With that, the voice left as I counted down the Mississippi's.

* * *

><p>I sat in the darkness of my closet, hugging my thermos filled to the brim with warm coffee tightly. I cried silently, not wanting to alert my parents. I didn't know what to do. My fear of losing my coffee and having my dad sell me into slavery because the family needed money haunted my mind, but my loyalty to the humans and the protectiveness I beared for the raven-haired boy left me in an inner war between myself. This was WAY too much pressure for me to handle. I shakily sipped from my coffee, breaking down once more, my tears evaporating into steam as soon as it touched the scalding hot liquid of my coffee.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Just wanted to do a slight filler chapter before I wrote about the alien spaceship trip that happens next. Douchebag galore in the next few chapters. Hope you enjoyed so far! Please R &amp; R!<strong>


	6. My Past Self n' Me

**Douchebag's POV**

* * *

><p>I watched as the others left, saying that their mom's had told them to come home at a specific time for dinner or they had TV shows to go to. I trained with Cartman a little longer before his own mother came outside to tell me that I should be getting home before my parents started to worry. I sighed and waved goodbye to the Grand Wizard, leaving out the back gate. I walked slowly back home, reluctantly moving my legs towards my red house. I opened the door to find my parents relaxing on the couch in our living room. My mother's face lit up to see me back home safe and sound.<p>

"Hello, sweetie! How was your first day? Did you make any friends?" she asked cheerfully. I nodded, trying to head upstairs and avoid my untrustworthy parents as much as possible.

"Can you tell us about it son?" I hated the smugness that was laced around my dad's voice. I stayed silent. "Figures..." he muttered loudly to himself.

"Uh, get ready for bed. I'll be up there to tuck you in in a few minutes," my mother called out to me as I continued my way to my room. I opened my door and took looked at my pathetic room. The only unpacked items were my bed and a couple of dressers, the rest of the room was littered by piles and piles of boxes. I made my way to the closet, taking off my thief clothes and changing into these Terrance and Phillip pj's. I sat myself on the bed and stared out the window of my room. I liked the false reality I got wrapped up in with the neighborhood kids. It was a nice escape from the confusion I had about my past. I was distracted from my thoughts when I heard footsteps closing in on my room, causing me to peel up my blankets and enter the warm safe haven. I heard my mother knock on my door and open it. She caught my eye and gave a sympathetic smile.

"Goodnight, little man. I hope you're as happy as we are. Everything's going to be better, since we moved to this quiet little mountain town. I promise," she whispered at me from across the room, before flicking the lights off and closing the door quietly. I lied there in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. My mind raced, going over all that had happened this morning. Meeting Butters, becoming a thief of Kupa Keep, getting kidnapped and hypnotized, well an attempt too, being rescued, Princess Kenny. I shut my eyes in a futile attempt to find sleep. After about an hour of lying in bed, tossing and turning, unable to rest, a bright light filtered through my blinds, as well as radiating from the gap that rested in between the floor and bottom of the door. I squinted my eyes as the bluish-white light flooded my room.

* * *

><p><em>"Your children have powers that have never been heard of. Let us use them for their country! For the greater good!" a gruff voice tried to convince. <em>

_"I don't care how much you offer for them, they're my children and I will NOT take away their childhood and replace it with making 'buddies' with other countries for you the rest of their lives," a man glared at the other. Two kids stood next to each other, trembling from fear as they hid behind their father. One a young boy with black hair, the other, an older girl with blackish-brown hair and freckles. _

_"Look at what you're giving up here?! At all the future wars you could possibly cause! Who knew a person could be so selfish-" the gruff voice started to sneer._

_"Get out of my house. I don't want anything to do with you, I don't want you touching my children, and I never want to see you the rest of my life. I don't care what you tell the press. I don't care what you tell the president or the government. I am not giving up the childhood of my kids because you want to take over the world by betraying the 'buddies' you've made with other countries," the man interrupted, guiding the government man with graying hair out of his house. _

_"But-!" The door slammed. _

_"Come on Daniel, Jessa, we're gonna go hang out in the basement for a while, while Daddy figures out what to do with that big, bad government dude," he pulled the two siblings down the stairs, slightly anxious._

_"Dad, I'm not a little kid anymore. I've been living in oblivion while you and mom know everything. I'm old enough to understand the severity of this situation. Don't make the same mistakes you made with Daniel that you made with me," the girl stared down her dad, her arms wrapped protectively around her little brother's._

* * *

><p>My eyes flickered open as I was dragged by cold grey hands through a metal hallway. My head hurt, my legs and arms numb. I groaned slightly. I watched scenes of probing unfold in front of my eyes. Random people I've seen around the town at times, asleep, and acting like this was a bad dream. I was pulled onto one of the probe's sets, sharing a room with a man with black hair and a mustache. As they set me up for probing, the man started talking to me. "I'm going to guess this is your first time getting probed, huh? You get used to I guess. That's just the price you pay for living in a quiet mountain town. At least you don't have to deal with traffic."<p>

The aliens had the machines up and ready and started probing me. Pain shot through the back side of my body. Using the skills I learned from the Grand Wizard earlier in the day however, I broke the anal probe that poked around my insides. The grey beings started freaking out as electrical sparks flew about from the broken probe, burning them. Half of the probe made its way through my orifice. The forcefields around all the probe victims evaporated, allowing the awake ones to escape. The man next to me broke free and helped my limp body out as well. "Wow kid! I've never seen an asshole that strong! You've got yourself a future ahead of you! Name's Randy by the way! I've been here loads of times so I know the way out. Just stick with me and you'll be fine!" Randy boasted.

My vision started to cut out again, my head exploding in pain. I felt myself fall over, my head banging against the metal floor. "Hey, kid, you okay? Kid? Kid?" the voice got farther and farther away as I drifted off into unconsciousness once again.

* * *

><p><em>"Jessa, you're still not ready. You won't understand-" the man was cut off by a huge explosion from upstairs. The girl's eyes widened in fear as her brother cried into her leg. "Jessa, the tunnel. Go now!" The girl nodded and dragged the boy to the wall. She picked at a piece of concrete sticking out of the wall, showing it to be a piece of colored wallpaper. She peeled the wallpaper back enough to fit herself and her little brother in. She closed it quickly.<em>

_ "Come on, Daniel. We're gonna play hide'n'seek with Daddy, okay? I have an idea, let's hide with Mom!" the older girl tried to lighten the mood,"But we have to run and hurry though because Daddy's only counting to ten Mississippi's and not twenty, okay?" She ran through the tunnel with Daniel, fear filling her whole form. She found the ladder that led to the camp-out their mother had set up for this specific situation. She started helping her brother up and out when another explosion was heard from the other side of the tunnel, reverberating its noise throughout the long concrete tunnel. "We have to go even quicker now! I think Daddy found us!" The little boy yelled in excitement and fear. _

_Jessa started climbing the ladder after her brother and with one arm, pulled open the the trapdoor that blocked them from the temporary safe haven. Loud voices and gunshots were heard. "Go, Daniel, go!" she yelled, fear now enveloping her voice. As they got out, the girl picked her brother up with one arm and ran, she didn't care where she was going, she just kept running._

* * *

><p>My eyes flickered open again to find myself in my room once again. My head hurt once more, as the tale of the children named Jessa and Daniel slowly delved itself into the deep dark recesses of my mind. I felt like I should know her, like she was the most important thing in my world. But my memories once again evaded my grasp. I sighed and changed back into my thief clothes, and headed downstairs, eager to enter my false reality once more, and just like the girl, run away from my problems.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>This is where I wanted to really start revealing the memories of Douchebag in flashbacks and such. I sort of skipped most of the alien spaceship scenes, mostly because it involved a lot of puzzles and only do the crash and the anal probing really have major plot related things that I can use in this story ^^". Hope you enjoyed! Please R &amp; R! <strong>


	7. There's a Secret I Can't Tell

_There's a secret I can't tell.  
>If I did, I'd go through hell.<em>

_With no more coffee or money.  
>I'd be sold in slavery.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Tweek's POV<strong>

* * *

><p>I drudged slowly down the sidewalk towards the kingdom of Kupa Keep, shivering from the slight snowfall as it hit my bare skin. I sipped my coffee shakily, protective of it. My head hurt like hell, the lack of sleep and crying the entire night's probably the reason why. In every nook and cranny, in all the shadows and alleyways, I swear I could see a figure watching me closely, like it was making sure I wouldn't tell. I picked up the pace slightly, wanting to get to the safety of the kingdom as soon as possible. I watched the sidewalk underneath me as I jogged, holding my thermos tightly.<p>

I then bumped into a certain scarfed someone, my thermos spilling coffee on both of us. I looked up to see a pissed off Craig turning around to face me. His anger quickly diminished as he realized that it was my jittery self, like that was a good enough excuse for any accidents or mistakes I make. "Gah! I'm sorry! I didn't mean too!" my cheeks flushed in embarrassment as I started walking away quickly. The secret laid on the tip of tongue, wanting to escape, but I just couldn't. I can't put my parents through the pain of losing their precious family business like that. Argh! They would never forgive me for it! I felt a gloved hand rest on my shoulder however, stopping me in my tracks. I turned around to look at Craig, his bland expression I loved so much fixed onto his face.

"Chill out, Tweek. I'm not mad. Since we're both going the same way, why don't you stick with me? You can borrow my scarf and stuff if you want to, you look cold," the boy offered, starting to pull off his scarf. I blushed furiously at the kind offer.

"No! No, it's okay! I don't need it!" my shivering form went against my words however. I watched Craig look at me closely, hands still on the scarf. After a few seconds, he shrugged and placed the scarf back securely on his neck.

"How'd you sleep last night?" he asked casually. The question caught me by surprise, causing me to let out a small shriek.

"Oh, I-I didn't..." I muttered, remembering the tear filled night. "Uh, how was _Red Racer_?" I tried to distract from the topic of sleep. I picked a good distraction topic however as Craig soon forgot about my insomnia by going into a full out talk about his favorite show in the world. I listened quietly to his eager explanation, using some hand gestures to help exaggerate how awesome it was as well. After a few minutes, we finally reached Kupa Keep. Craig looked to his watch, muttering that we were a few minutes early. I went over and opened the gate, allowing Craig inside first, myself last. I looked around to see Douchebag and Scott Malkinson already there. Scott was eating an apple while opening his steed's feed bag, Kitty Om Noms. Douchebag was in a back corner, sitting next to a tree. He had dark rings under his eyes, his eyes bloodshot.

After a few more minutes of waiting, everyone had arrived. The group of humans gathered around the Grand Wizard as he called a team meeting. "Humans! Yesterday, we gained a new fighter, loyal and strong! Today, we gain the Stick of Truth back!" he yelled out, receiving cheers and whoops from the crowd, "There's going to be a few warriors left behind to keep watch over the kingdom as usual." I sighed as I realized I would be left behind... again. "Tweek!" The Grand Wizard called out my name, like expected. The next was usually Scott Malkinson, but today was different,"and Craig!" I heard a yell of protest break out from the thief as he almost always picked to go.

"What? Don't you guys need locks to pick or anything?" he called out, trying to reason with the Grand Wizard.

"Not today, Craig. We're plotting an attack on Kyle's backyard. We shot down their carrier raven and learned that that's where they were hiding the stick. Sir Stan will be there with his dog beast, so I need Scott to tame it and distract it while we take the stick back. You don't always get everything you want, Craig," the king smirked,"Alright, my warriors! Off to the Elven Forest!" With that, everyone except me and Craig were left behind. He groaned in annoyance as he sat down on a log.

"Hey Tweek? What do you do when you're all alone like this?" the fourth grader asked curious, his blue eyes staring at mine's.

"Oh, well. I usually try to find my happy place and stuff... I mean, you could practice training and such also," I offered, trying to direct the subject off of meditation. He shrugged and headed over towards the training site. I watched him attack the training dummies for a while before I drifted off into my own little world.

* * *

><p><em>There's a secret I can't tell.<br>__If I did, I'd go through hell._

_It's about the man I love.  
>Who turned to crow from pure, white dove.<em>

* * *

><p>After a little while of drifting off into my happy place, I shook myself out, wondering if Craig would want to talk more about <em>Red Racer. <em>It was different to see him enthusiastic about something, I liked it. I stood up and stretched, calling out his name while doing so. Nothing. I opened my eyes and looked around, trying to find the raven-haired boy. "Craig?!" I called out again. I twitched. After a few minutes of silence, I sighed and sat again. _He ditched me..._ I sat on my log, alone, while white dots danced around in the sky, falling gracefully to the already covered ground.

* * *

><p><strong>Craig's POV<strong>

* * *

><p>I was still slightly shocked that Cartman left me here to watch the frickin' camp. Like their's going to be an elf wanting to rob planks of wood and crap. I groaned,"Hey Tweek? What do you do when you're all alone like this?"<p>

"Oh, well. I usually try to find my happy place and stuff... I mean, you could practice training and such also," he replied silently. I shrugged and got up, heading towards the training dummies. I grabbed my dagger and practiced my regular attacks, doing a couple of backstabs and mugs here and there. I turned around to see Tweek off in his own little land. _I'm sure he'd be out long enough for me to go out for a while without him noticing. _With that, I packed some of my stuff and headed outside, running into a specific someone that made me regret ever leaving. "Hey, Clyde," I waved hello to the boy not too far in front of me.

"Feldspar! Did you think about my offer yet?" he asked, ecstatic.

"Yea, but I'm still measuring my options," I blankly said. "Besides, I can't leave Tweek behind, you know?" I saw Clyde's eye twitch at the mention of the coffee addict.

"Why him, specifically?" he asked, tentative.

"It's just that I'm really his only friend, you know? He would be awfully hurt if I betrayed him like that. If he's awake right now, I bet he would be freaking out and such," I answered.

"I see.. Well just think about it some more, okay?" Clyde then left, heading back in the general direction of his house. I quickly made my way back to Kupa Keep, worried that Tweek had awakened from his trance to find me gone. I opened the gate to see the coffee addict sitting stiffly, staring at the ground, his form shivering from the cold. His thermos was stuffed into the snow, keeping it straight. The boy looked at me at my sudden arrival. I waved a hello, not expecting to receive one back. I sighed and sat myself next to the Tweak boy.

As soon as I did, the boy muttered,"You ditched me..." I sighed, my worries becoming true.

"Look, Tweek. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, truly, it's just that I felt sorta cooped up in here. Just wanted to get some space outside, you know?" I tried to explain. We sat in silence for a while.

"You talked to Clyde again, didn't you?" That phrase caught me by surprise. I turned around to see Tweek's puffy eyes stare at my own.

"How-?"

"I saw you last night, at Stark's Pond... I heard the offer, how you agreed to think about it.. Are you really going to leave, Craig?" the boy asked me, his eyes watering slightly.

"Hey, hey. It's just a game, you know? Even if I did betray you, we would still be friends out of this game. Promise," I tried to assure him.

"Just a game..." he repeated. I watched him start to shudder as the tears came spilling out. I patted his back, trying to soothe the easily hurt addict. I heard him mutter something to himself over and over again.

"Hmm?" I asked softly.

"There's a secret I can't tell. If I did, I'd go through hell. With no more coffee or money, I'd be sold in slavery. There's a secret I can't tell. If I did, I'd go through hell. It's about the man I love, who turned to crow from pure, white dove. There's a secret I can't tell. If I didn't, it'd be hell. If I left it all alone, my one true love will soon be gone," he whispered. With that the boy shuddered again as a new wave of tears erupted his system. I continued to pat him as an attempt at comfort, while my mind raced about this "secret" he had. I looked at him again and felt for sure that someone was watching him. I looked around quickly to see a form dip down. I couldn't see a face but had a sneaking suspicion on who it was. Looks like I have a specific brunette to talk to later today...

* * *

><p><em>There's a secret I can't tell.<br>__If I didn't, it'd be hell._

_If I left it all alone,  
>my one true love will soon be gone.<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Hallo everyone! I tried to add some nice little poetry in here for effect? I don't know ^^". I didn't talk about the alien crashing in this, mostly because of the events of the last chapter. Don't worry though, I will do that sooner or later. And I swear, this will be the last of Craig and Tweek cuteness... maybe. I really love CrEek X3. Hope you're enjoying so far! Please R &amp; R!<strong>


	8. Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail

**Butters' POV**

* * *

><p>I opened my front door, breathing in the fresh, cool air that blew itself in to my home. I walked out and closed it but not before hearing my parents telling me to come home before it gets too dark. My trek of ten steps began as I headed from my front door to Eric's backyard gate. I opened it to reveal the beautiful kingdom of Kupa Keep. I scanned the clearing, noticing Tweek, Craig, Scott, the obvious Eric, and Douchebag. My gaze lingered longer on the new kid however, the state he was in surprising me.<p>

Douchebag looked like he'd stayed up all night, his eyes dark and bloodshot. I walked over to the tree he propped himself on, worried about his condition. "Uh hey, Douchebag! You okay, buddy?" I waved. He looked at me, his tired eyes staring into mine. He mustered up a weak smile and gave a thumbs up. He then yawned, his eyelids heavy. "You know you can talk to me whenever you have a problem, right?" I invited. The thief nodded, either not noticing the proposition or ignoring it. I gave him a pat on his shoulder before walking away, my concern for his mental health growing only stronger. It wasn't soon after my conversation that Princess Kenny arrived. I saw her slightly jump in surprise at the sight of her beloved. She quickly ran over to me, eyes filled with worry.

"What happened to him?" the maiden asked, her concerns muffled by her orange and brown parka.

I sighed,"I don't know. I just went over and asked if he was okay a few minutes ago, but it didn't look like he wanted to talk about it." We both looked at the new kid for a while, worry biting at our minds. We were interrupted however by the Grand Wizard's call for a team meeting. I watched as Douchebag slowly made his way towards the middle of the clearing, being one of the last members to join the meeting. I weaved my way through the small crowd and stood myself next to the new kid's side, Princess Kenny joining us not too long afterwards.

With everyone's attention, Cartman began his speech,"Humans! Yesterday, we gained a new fighter, loyal and strong! Today, we gain the Stick of Truth back!" he yelled out, receiving cheers and whoops from the crowd,"There's going to be a few of our warriors left behind to keep watch over the kingdom as usual. Tweek and Craig!" The crowd stood in a stunned silence as the names were called out.

Scott was the first one to break the silence,"R-really? I get to go this time?"

"Yea! Uh, you don't need a lock to be picked this time?" Craig called out after him, even more shocked than Scott was.

"Not today, Craig. We're plotting an attack on Kyle's backyard. We shot down their carrier raven and learned that that's where they were hiding the stick. Sir Stan will be there with his dog beast, so I need my ranger to tame it and distract it while we take the stick back. You don't always get everything you want, Craig,"the king smirked,"Alright, my warriors! Off to the Elven Forest!" With that, the Grand Wizard beckoned the rest of us to follow. We left in a somewhat single file line. Cartman going first, followed by Princess Kenny, Token, Scott, myself, and Douchebag.

I tapped Scott in the back,beaming up at him,"Congrats, Scott!"

"Thanks, Butters. But I'm so worried right now. I've never gone to a battle before. What if I mess everything up for you guys?" he worried.

"I'm sure you'll be fine! It's really not that bad! Besides, you'll have us to help you out if you need it, right Douchebag?" I turned around to see the new kid, head down. "Douchebag?" He jumped at the sound of his name. He looked up at me, cheeks flushed in embarrassment for not listening. "If Scott here was in trouble, you'd help him, right?" I asked again. He quickly nodded his head, giving a smile to the diabetic nine year old.

"Thanks, you guys," he smiled back. We walked in silence after that.

When we finally reached the Elven Forest, the Grand Wizard called for a huddle before we barged through the gate. "Okay, Scott, come with me when we first get in, so I can direct you to their stables. Princess Kenny, Douchebag, you'll fend off the Elven warriors, while I, with Token will go for the Tree of Life and steal the stick back. Butters go and help anyone of our teammates out of battle who are hurt. We good?" Everyone nodded. Princess Kenny set her bow up, Scott opening a pack of dog treats, Token cracked his knuckles, Douchebag grasped his dagger, and the Grand Wizard twisted open the caps of all his apple ciders, causing easy access to the mana replenisher. "Everyone, good?"

We all nodded in sync, determined to win our precious relic back.

"Three," we all turned towards the gate,

"Two," made sure we were all next to our battle buddy,

"ONE!" let's just say the gate had seen better days.

* * *

><p><strong>Kyle's POV<strong>

* * *

><p>I was talking to my loyal friend and warrior, Sir Stan, when the word,"ONE!" was yelled from the other side of my wooden gate. I heard the sound of cracking wood as the gate opened, barely holding the pressure of a mass of humans breaking in. I stared in surprise at the unwelcome visit, stunned. My best friend was the first to take action, calling on his faithful beast, Sparky. The dog ran its way to the intruders, growling and baring its teeth in an attempt at intimidation. I thought for sure the dog would stall the humans long enough for me to climb the Tree of Life and secure the safety of the stick, but thought wrong I did.<p>

"SCOTT, NOW!" the Grand Wizard yelled out, as his level nine ranger ran full force at Sparky, throwing a bag full of his favorite dog treats forwards. Stan's dog immediately went from guard to playful puppy as Scott teased the mutt with the treats, cooing and rubbing its back. I watched as Stan tried hopelessly to get his dog back in attack mode. I watched as the humans slowly advanced through the crowd of elves who had showed up so far this morning. We were terribly outnumbered I noticed as I quickly made my way up the Tree of Life, using the ladders and wooden steps that Stan's dad helped make.

I made my way to the top, where the stick lay on a wooden table, the light of the rising sun shining on it. I looked down at the battle that unfolded underneath me. My elves were losing tremendously. I watched as they sparred, blood being spilled. But one hooded figure caught my eye, the new kid. _That doesn't make sense! Surely, Grand Wizard Fatass would realize that this could possibly be traumatic for the new kid! Not that I'm complaining, that is. It's best if he joins the right side, if any. _I heard heavy footsteps creak the wooden stairs. I ripped my eyes away from the prophecy to face the fat face of my greatest enemy, my rival since the age of four.

"Fatass," I acknowledged the leader of the humans.

"Jew," he nodded back.

We glared at each other before I decided to speak out,"I'm impressed, Cartman. You actually caught me by surprise for once."

"Why thank you-" the wizard started.

"I'm not done yet, dumbass. Throughout this one simple piece of genius you somehow created, you forgot one tiny, probably minuscule, detail-"

"And what's that, Kahl?" Cartman interrupted.

"Douchebag. It seems you've forgotten the toll this would've taken on him. He's already confused on which side to take, but now to see each of our members beating each other to the 'death' might cause some... issues. Wouldn't you think?" I finished. I smirked at how the look of determination was wiped away immediately from Cartman's face. "I'll let you take the stick today, Grand Wizard. It seems you've won the battle down there anyway. Besides, I believe I'm done here," I started walking away, slightly disappointed at the loss of the stick once again, but satisfied with the sense I had knocked into Cartman's stiff little head. I heard him yell in victory as he grasped the stick and cheers from his followers below.

I retreated to my throne as I watched the humans make their way out of their kingdom, the last being Douchebag. Before leaving the now broken gate, he turned to stare at an Elven flag then at his own hands. He then shook his head and left my forest. I smiled at this, and just like that, I could hear his mind start to crack, just like the few pieces of wood that hung on so tightly to the destroyed gate.

* * *

><p><strong>It's official. I can't go one chapter now without ending it in some sort of nature-like imagery. This is my first sort of battle scene, but I promise, one of these days, I will not weasel my way out of showing a battle scene fully! Hope you enjoyed this newest addition! It might be a while till I post the next chapter given that school is starting once again and I have clubs afterwards. Please R &amp; R!<strong>


End file.
